I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I could fuck to npr.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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