apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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