I'm eating all of the evidence.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
