She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
