She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
