I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
