Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
