I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
