dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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