He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
