Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
