I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
