Did you just see the Batmobile???
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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