i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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