Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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