i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
