I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
