Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
