Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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