my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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