he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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