how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
did i walk over a car last night?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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