How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
