med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
