I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There r osticjed everywhere
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
