are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
