god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
