Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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