so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
