do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
