He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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