someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
