even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
