I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
