if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
