I think my fart just growled at me.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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