She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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