apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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