your parents love me but you hate me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
