i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
