guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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