i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
