So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
