**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
