She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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