I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish you could order shots online.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
