When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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