i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
