he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
