if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
